This is my 3rd divorce. I’m stuck with 2 children, a boy and a girl, from my 1st and 3rd marriages. I’m 37F. Everytime I got married, I thought this would be it. I guess there is no happy ending in my love life.

I was 24 in my first marriage. A guy of around the same age (lets name him Ed), we were in the same class in middle school and found each other at the same restaurant. Handsome and cool. Wore sunglasses and loose hoodies. We had fun together all the time. He was cheeky. I was kinda serious. I remember sitting in bed watching titanic with wine and some lasagna, and then making out for a while. A few weeks later my friend messaged me with pics of him hanging out with his ex at the cinema with an arm around her neck and a rose in her hand. I didn’t believe it at first. Thought i was a school reunion. Didn’t tell him anything. A few days later I walk into him sobbing hysterically talking on the phone, confessing how much he still loved his ex. I took my 2 year old son to my friend’s house and divorced him.

I thanks my job, or I wouldn’t have been able to feed my son. I had an apartment I bought myself earlier and decided to work on myself. Ed messaged me with a sorry GIF and said I was nothing next to his ex. ON TEXT VIA MESSENGER. For some reason it was funny. I ignored it. It was young love and past mistakes. My friend was my support. My family checked on me only a few times.

3 years later. A guy (lets name him Sin) I met through my mutual friends on a friend’s birthday party. We got to know each other and 2 years later we got married. I loved him. I showed him the poem and songs I wrote for him. I took him on dates and gifted him flowers too. He only returned the favour twice after we had a fight, and on the saying of my friend who he was close to as well. My son loved him. He loved my son. But a good father does not equal a good relationship does it. He was 32. He lied to me about being an alcoholic. He never helped in the household work. He went out at 8 and came back at 10 at night. He would come home, plonk his bag and shoes in the corridor and sleep next to my son on the bed without changing. I was losing feelings for him. He wasn’t like this in our years of dating. Even when we used to live together before marriage, he would be well maintained. He smacked on the face and pushed me against the TV trolley when I denied sex with him during fever. My son slept with me that night and said he is scared. Told me dad removed your clothes when you were asleep mom.

I asked my friend for help again. She’s a doctor. Got some support, put up an act and I left. Divorced the next week. It was hard. He victimized himself. I got myself a good lawyer.

I was 32 when i met another guy. He was 40. Met him at a coffee shop. He asked me out. I was cautious. But he became grown on me. I couldn’t help but be vulnerable. My defences broke. I told him my fears and delights. It was a slow burn. We went out on simple and exciting dates. And even on a trip to Spain. He took care of me when i was sick. Brought me roses when i was sick. Sex was mindblowing. His family welcomed me well. Romantic right?

Got married 3 years later. It was going well. We always had mature conversations during fights and understood each other’s love languages. He never got mad angry, and always eased me when i relaxed. I made his favourite meals whenever he would be upset. Never forced me into doing anything. I got pregnant a year later. Morning sickness, half an hour in the bathrooms, bloating and swelling, dizziness and insecurity. By the 6th month, he told me he had lost attraction. That I was too fat and smelly for him. I had weird line up my torso, and my breast looked like pitiful sacks of sand. That my butt wiggled too much and lost their shape. My hair was frizzy. I had lost fashion sense and that I looked like melted plastic with the glow. That he is sick of taking care of me in the mornings, and that I am abnormal because of how lazy I am in the afternoons.

I tried my best. I tried cleaning the house. I kept myself cleans. Showered daily, tried to fix my hair, wear makeup maybe, go on walks. It the hardest ever. The baby wasn’t helping. Clothes made me look like a sac. My swollen feet killed me. It’s his kid too isn’t it. But when I told him that, he said that just because i got a big belly doesn’t excuse me from my lady duties. The fight was a long one. I sent my son to my friend. He was growing up and started to realize how shitty life is. I didn’t want to destroy him.

The next week, he apologised with a sorry over breakfast, but never showed a change. I couldn’t handle divorce then. On the day of her birth, he was absent. My son and friend were present, along with my cousin brother. When we drove home, i found him with 2 naked women in the living room sofa.

I divorced him. My son is affectionate with my daughter. My friend has helped me. Moved my stuff in her guest room. I’m better now, physically though. I’m not falling in love again. I have my children to look after. A friend to return the favours. Men are some of the most horrible creatures. I now believe that they hold no feelings, no fear of consequences. They dread of living with only one women, cause eww, who likes wrinkles and stretch marks and cellulite, when you can have bitches and models. Playboy sounds cool till the age of 80, and then find a young teen who’ll take care of you and indulge in your fantasies.

Love and relationships are traps tangled with chemicals and hormones lacking genuinity and humanity.